Long time

So it has been quite some time since I have written in this, not that anyone really reads it, but things have been busy but great. I am finally graduating on May 23, 2009 so I'm really pumped! As I began to think about graduating, I began to think about how much life is going to be changing. I am ok with change, but it is going to be hard because this is the final thing left. It was hard last year leaving my best friends and knowing things would never be the same. It won't be quite as hard this year in the same way, because not all my best friends are around anymore, but knowing that life is going on. It's weird knowing that I'm getting married and that will take a lot of change and it will be tough, but I think more about how the older I get, the more I'm going to have to say goodbye to people and that is hard for me. Grandpa Henry has alzheimers and he isn't doing well. He is in the last area of the nursing home before needing total care and he doesn't know anybody anymore. On Easter, my dad went to see him and he was doing the best he has been doing in a while, but two weeks later, he doesn't even know Grandma and that is very hard for her. She knew this was coming, but knowing it was coming and actually having to deal with are two different things. Life is changing and I'm excited, but I'm also scared. But life is going to go on whether I like it or not. The scariest thing is knowing that Grandpa is doing well and my wedding is coming up. My mom had a dream that he died the night before my wedding and that is scary for me so pray that he either dies after my wedding or at least a month before it. Anyhow, I'm going to try and keep up to date with posting. Enjoy!!

Will I Ever Be Enough

Being a musician, I love to listen to music. There are times when I love to just rock out but there are other times I just need a slower song that has a meaning and really gets me thinking. Well there is a song that I just was listening to tonight as I was making a CD of some music. The song is called Ever Be Enough and it's by Sevenglory. I have my old roommate, Andy Otten, to thank for introducing me to this group. Here's the lyrics: 

I've wandered for so long
Seems like I've been down this road before
so alone and fading from the light
I feel your existence
Even now I have to close my eyes
Echoes in my head are feeding me lies 

Send me fire from the sky
an angel from on high
My heart cries 

Will I ever be enough?
Will I ever see the beauty that's inside of me?
Will I ever be enough?
Will I ever see the way you see me? 

I'm lost in emotion
Overtaken by my every breath
Finding strength I never knew I had
A promise
A let down
Back to where I did not know myself 

You call to me. It must be someone else 

For so long now
I've left the thought of gaining any promise of new life
I'm living in the shadows
I look away just long enough
To realize my life will never see tomorrow

I really love the chorus to this song because I have screwed up time and time again and so many times I find myself wondering if God could ever use me. I have said the chorus lyrics to myself so many times before I even knew this song. Will I ever be enough? Will I ever see the beauty that's inside of me? Will I ever be enough? Will I ever see, the way you see me?  I am trapped in this lie satan continually is putting in my mind that I will never be enough and that God can never use me. But it is just that, a LIE that satan keeps whispering in my mind telling me that I'm an ugly person because of what I have done. I have struggled with this for about a year now and have wondered if I will ever be enough and if God can use me. As I look back over the year, I see my failures and short comings. Why don't I see the things that have happened to me that have been amazing? I know that is because satan doesn't want me to overcome. He wants me to be stuck in the same old mind set that I will never be enough so why try, but now I am able to look back and see the way that God has guided me and the way that God has used me. If you talked to me one year ago about the things I was dealing with in my life, I would have broken down and felt so worthless. I am so thankful to say that God has brought me so far in this past year. God has brought me one of the most amazing girls I have ever met. Katie has been an absolute God send! I don't know how I got so lucky to have her in my life, but I do know that she is a gift from God and He has blessed me so much with her! Before we started dating or even talking, I never really hung out with her. I would see her around campus and that was pretty much it. I had visited her a few times in the library but that was pretty much the extent to seeing her or hanging out with her. I would chat with her occasionally. When I started talking to her more, I saw her in a new way. I never would have thought a year ago, that I would be so in love with this girl! She is my best friend and the love of my life! It is all very strange of how God brought us together and I know that the timing of everything was perfect! I liked her before but never thought she would ever like me. I felt like I wasn't good enough for her and that I didn't stand a chance. Some of you probably still agree but God had the perfect timing for us and it wasn't then. I'm just so thankful for everything that God has brought me through and I am so thankful that Katie has been there for me through a lot of it! I know that God is going to use me and I know that one day I will see the beauty that God sees in me. I am working through that now. I have had low self esteem for so long that I have had such a negative thought of myself, that it is a very difficult thing to get through, but I know that I am a child of God and that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me! 

I know that was a lot to take in and I hope some of it actually makes sense. Sorry if I was confusing! Just a lot going through my head including the fact that Katie is in the air on her way back home!! Well that's it for tonight. 

Screw Up

So I figured I would go ahead and conform to blogging. I mean why not, three of my close friends do it and I figure this may be a good way for everyone to know what's going on in my life or how I'm feeling. Anyhow, I have made some mistakes in my lifetime but hey, who hasn't? I have been dealing with what I have done in my past and I know that God has forgiven me and I have forgiven me, but I still sometimes think, how could God ever use such a screw up like myself? I get these thoughts quite often and it's depressing because I know that God can use me but satan brings me down and brings everything that I have done wrong into the light and I have a hard time with it. I was thinking that today and it didn't really bring me down like it usually does, but being a musician and love listening to music, I listened to a song that means a lot to me. It's called, From the Inside Out by Hillsong United. The lyrics that stand out to me the most say, " A thousand times I've failed, still Your mercy remains and should I stumble again, still I'm caught in Your grace." So many times I feel unworthy and so unclean that God could never use me because look what I did. Look how I screwed up, but God's loving arms stretch out to me and just wrap me up and I hear Him whispering, I love you. It doesn't make sense to me that God would want to use someone who screwed up. I feel like God would want someone who has lived a good life and hasn't screwed up like I have, but for some reason, God is the opposite. God wants those who have been broken. God wants those who know they aren't worthy, but He has called them because He knows what a testimony they have in God's forgiveness. If God can forgive me, He can forgive anyone. I know that I feel like God could never use me because I am a pastor's kid and if someone found out what I did, they would condemn me and would look down on me. I have always felt this pressure to live a good life and to not make any mistakes because then it would make my parents look bad. I tend to hold things inside because I have felt that if someone knew what I struggle with or what I did, that they would look down on me and as much as I don't care what people think about me, I used to and that still comes out. God is working in my life and I know that He can use me and I know that He will direct people my way as long as I'm willing to be used by Him. I am so unclean and unworthy but the good news is that I'm not alone. I'm glad there are people who I can trust and talk to that will direct me and let me know that I'm not alone. Those are my thoughts for the night. Enjoy.